Words cannot describe the beautiful, young, inspiring, determined, survivor that was my second heart. Those closest to me know of her simply as SJ. We’ve been to the darkest of dark, to pitch black eternity, to nothing but pain and agony, to nothing but wanting death to end it all, and we fought our way back to the light. And I owe so much of my ability to fight, my ability to move forward still to this day, to what I learned from how we broke the chains surrounding each other and learned to fly.
She openly battled severe depression and bi polar for many years before finally finding happiness and pure joy. She had a smile that could save souls and break hearts in the exact same moment. For every centimeter of pain in her eyes there were two inches of joy. Nobody fought like she did. Nobody loved like she did. Nobody showed me just how much the human body can grow, can flourish, can change…that anything can happen quite like she did. Nobody showed me how much I could change like she did.
She may not have been pure blood but she will always be the strongest family I have ever had. She was taken long before her time, long before she should have, and I still catch my breath hoping that it will be her on the other line of every call when my phone rings even though I know it won’t be. I know I won’t ever feel her arms wrap me up tightly, holding me just moments long enough to tell me it was okay to let go, to breathe, to feel, to not be okay for a moment. She was and has always been my savior and I know she will continue to be my guardian angel, just probably with a much better view.
She believed in hope, in acceptance, in forgiving those who don’t ask for it just for our own sake, in trying, in change, in constantly evolving as a person and constantly striving to become a better one. She believed if we stopped doing that, that’s the moment our soul died. Nothing can cure the aching in my heart, the loss that has been created by her departure but I hope that the changes I am making, the steps I will be taking…I hope I will be making her proud.
She believed in me. It’s one of the last things that she told me. That she never once doubted I would become a beautiful person, overcome my demons, always find my light in the darkness and hold steadfast to my beliefs, that I deserve every ounce of happiness I receive. She told me I should never apologize for taking care of my own. When I told her that she made me better, she laughed and said everything that made me better is because of everything you’ve ever done and sacrificed to save me and help me save myself, everything that made me better is because I have you. Those words will never be forgotten. Either will every laugh, cry, cheer, hug, squeal, snort, slip, tumble, handstand, cliff jump, dance or sleepover. Not a single moment will ever be forgotten.
Until my dying day, from the cradle to the grave.
Rest in peace. 1987-2012
