Have you ever had those moments that make you feel as though that your life is stuck on repeat? Whether it's the same fight you've had with someone who just can't let go of their demons, for the fiftieth time or the attitude thrown around by others who claim they aren't really being rude it's just 'how they communicate'...lately it just seems like every one I put my faith in does nothing but let me down.
It hurts the most when it's someone you love and trust, with your darkest fears and worse nightmares realized. It hurts the most when it's family, when it's blood.
I am still trying to figure out if you do ever really come back from that or if that pain manifests itself into something darker within you, changing you forever and creating you into something that will never look at the situation or the past the same way again.
I'm not saying that every time you feel pain you become jaded but I am saying that pain changes us, and leaves its mark, sometimes in ways that we don't even know how to recognize for years. It also surprises us. Even after years of the same issue or argument, the same attitude or judgement, it reminds you that the human heart and soul can tolerate anything and withstand it. That life really does go on. If you want it badly enough. And unfortunately for some, those that don't want it, it continues as well.
Too existential for you? Too 'paint with all the colors of the wind' for you to handle? I have been through a lot in my life, I have seen more than most, I have seen less than others. I have repeatedly been broken down and built back up only to repeat the process. I am proof of the resilient nature of human beings. Whether you like that or not. That's exactly who I am.
I can either sit here and lament about all the darkness and twisted sordid things that have happened to my life, my loved ones, my own self...the heart wrenching agony that consumes me at times and inspires me at others or, I can do the best that I can which is learn from my mistakes, become better, stronger, smarter and humbled by the fact that even after everything I have withstood, family still means something to me. That life, all of it darkness included, still means something to me and that every day I wake up I find something beautiful, each time.
I choose to believe in the power of the human spirit, not in good and evil. I choose to believe that each and every one of us has the ability to do anything we put our minds to as long as we have the strength in ourselves to back it up. If any of all of this has ever made one thing clear to me, it's that you need to learn to rely on yourself for your healing...no one else can fix your world up for you. You won't find it under your tree with a big pink ribbon on it just waiting for you. You have to get up, suck it up, move forward, carry on, embrace everything and everyone for their assets and their faults and realize that we each have our part to play.
How big that part will be, is completely up to the individual in question and it is, beautifully, limitless.
Keep your eyes open.
Listening to: Carry On by Fun. Available here.
